New website!

I don't think I have too many followers on this blog, but for those of you who might check in at this site or follow the news feed, I've moved my blog to be part of my personal website. You can still find all of my old posts up there, along with any new content that I might come up with (I already have several posts up there that you might have missed!). So, if you'd like to keep following me go to my new blog - http://www.techiechic.net/blog. I'll be setting this site to just automatically redirect in the next few days so feel free to delete it from your feed readers :)

Marriage/Parenting Advice

There is a young woman in my home stake who asked me for some help with her personal progress. Specifically she wanted help with the project in Divine Nature #2 -

As a young woman you are blessed with divine feminine qualities. Increase your understanding of and appreciation for womanhood. Read Proverbs 31:10–31 and two talks on womanhood from a conference issue of the Church magazines. Review what “The Family: A Proclamation to the World” (see page 101) says about being a wife and a mother. Then ask your mother or another mother you admire what she thinks are important attributes for being a mother. List the attributes in your journal. Then choose one of those attributes and strive to develop it. After two weeks report your success to a parent or leader.

So I've been pondering for a few weeks about attributes of a good mother. As I thought about it, you can't be a good mother without being a good wife first, so I've somewhat expanded my advice to be things that are both attributes of a good wife and good mother, and some of these things might not fit as "attributes" but more as "things you ought to do", but I'll try to get them to fit into attribute categories if I can.

Anyways, I thought before I sent this on to this young woman that I should post the things here and see if I could get some good feedback on other items I should add or modify before sending it on. After all, one of my best parenting secrets so far has been to ask for help when I need it! I've gotten so much good advice from Facebook friends and blog commenters that I'm sure has influenced what I'm posting here, and I'm hoping I might even get a few more good ideas for myself :)

So, without further ado -

• Put the Lord first - Some people will say that your marriage goes before all else, and this is true for everything except the Lord. As you draw closer to the Lord you will grow closer to your husband and children. Heavenly Father knows better than we do how we should be parenting our children. Find a man who is willing to do the same. Look for a man who is willing to be faithful to the Lord above all else and you know that he will also be faithful to you.
  
  I believe this is one of the reasons the church requires all young men to serve missions. It shows their dedication to the Lord and they gain such an incredible amount of experience that helps them in their marriages. They learn to deal with companions, even if they annoy them. They learn how to work hard (and trust me, marriage is hard work!).  They learn how to seek the guidance of the Spirit and follow it. Most importantly, I believe they are blessed in ways you can't see in their marriages for their faithfulness.  Be willing to make this kind of sacrifice to the Lord, and expect the same in any man who wants to marry you.
• Obedient - Your children will pick up on things you don't even realize. Even at one year old I'm FLOORED by the things that Sam picks up on and mimics. If you want your kids to be obedient to you the best thing to show them is how you are obedient to the leaders you say you sustain. If you hear them give you counsel, just do it! Even if it doesn't make sense to you have faith that the Lord wouldn't be giving it to us if it wasn't for our benefit. If you are willing to obey church leaders you will find the blessings of obedience in abundance in your life, and usually you will best understand why they give the counsel they do when you live it. It is such a strong example to your children and it will ALWAYS bless your life.
• Constructive - Never criticize your spouse or children in mean ways.  Even if it is in joking, don't call people names or belittle them. This is something I've had to work on.  I am sarcastic by nature, but whenever you say something in sarcasm, generally you mean some part of it, and people know that and it hurts. 
  
  However, this isn't to say that you need to always be sunshine and rainbows towards others.  One of the things that I learned in institute was the meaning of the word "betimes".  It means often and immediately.  So when you read in D&C 121:43 - "Reproving betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy; " it means that we need to correct people quickly, immediately, and clearly.  You don't do someone any favors by allowing them to continue doing things that hurt others. But it also points out that afterwards you need to show increased love.  Be sure that whenever you point out someone's shortcomings you do it in the spirit of love because you want to help them, not because you want to tear them down.
  
  Also, if you have criticisms of someone tell it to them and not to someone else.  Gossiping doesn't help anyone.  The person at fault doesn't know your feelings so they can't do anything about it and it just makes you feel worse.  However, if you're going to give praise to someone I believe you should do it where others can hear.  It will build their self-confidence and make them want to be even better. Praise publicly, criticize confidentially
• Prayerful - Pray to the Lord for your family. In April General Conference just before I married Eric I came into conference with the question of what I needed to do to be a good wife. I listened intently to the speakers for things that I should be doing as a wife and didn't really come up with anything. Then in the very last talk by President Hinckley he gave this advice - "May there be peace and harmony in your homes. Husbands, love and treasure your wives. They are your most precious possessions. Wives, encourage and pray for your husbands. They need all the help they can get. Parents, treat your children with great kindness. They are the coming generation who will bring honor to your name." (full text here). It was the most powerful advice I've heard. Pray for your husband in everything he does. Whether it's big things or small things. The Lord is so mindful of our families and children and want the best for them. Pray for guidance with your children. You will need it every single step of the way. Children are such an incredible adventure and most of the time there's no way you could know what you ought to be doing without the guidance of the Lord. Remember that He loves them more than you do (although as a mother, it's hard to fathom how that's even possible) and He is willing and wanting to help you guide them through this life. You absolutely cannot raise your children without His guidance, so seek it out constantly.
• Consistent - If you say you'll do it - do it. This was something I was shown is in the scriptures as the way the Lord deals with us (and what better example could we have as parents than our Heavenly Father?). In the book of Mosiah we read about the story of Alma and Abinadi. When Abinadi comes to the people he tells them - if you don't repent now you will be put into bondage. No one listens to him and he is finally burned at the stake. However, after Abinadi is burned Alma realizes that the words Abinadi spoke were true and is converted. He then goes about preaching the gospel and baptizing and converting others. They get a whole bunch of people together that are now followers of the gospel and they leave. And what happens to them? They're put in bondage, just like Abinadi said they would be. (see Mosiah 11 - 18, 23-24 for full account)
  
  When you read this at first it doesn't seem fair. I mean, these are the good guys! They've repented and got baptized, why are they now put in bondage?!? It's because they didn't obey the commandments when they were told to and now they have to suffer the consequences. This is very important to realize when raising kids as well. If you give them instructions and affix a punishment with their failure to comply, if they fail to comply then you need to follow through with that punishment. This is HARD to do. You may have said that they would be grounded for a week, but then they're really good during that week and there's a big party that they want to go to that weekend - you need to stand firm. If your kids don't expect that you will follow through on what you say then they can't trust you. The other thing to realize with this is to be careful with what you say. Don't dole out punishments in anger that you don't really want to follow through on.
• Peacemaking - Contention can destroy your home. Don't raise your voice or say unkind things. Don't fight in front of your kids. Show a united front with your husband, even if you have to wait to answer a child's question until you have discussed the solution and come to an agreement on a course of action.
• Treat kids according to their needs - Every child comes in their own way and you can't expect each of them to have the same needs. When I was in high school I was shy and a bit of a homebody. I was MORE than happy to stay at home on Friday nights with my family and play games and just be with them. So my mom had to encourage me to do the things that were hard for me and encourage me to go out to football games and to parties. On the other hand, my sister Taylor is a self-proclaimed (and rightly so) party in a box. She is outgoing and fun and naturally wanted to be out with friends all the time. My mom had to limit her amount of going out so that she would have time at home with the family. This can apply to everyone, each person you meet will have different needs so be sure to treat them according to those needs.
• Assume best intentions - Before you get married make sure your spouse isn't someone that would say mean things or do mean things towards you. So, if you are hurt by something he does or says assume that he doesn't intend to hurt you and approach him that way. Don't attack him for missteps he might take, but approach him with kindness and explain why his actions hurt you so that you can work together to fix the problems. I've found this to be a good way to approach most situations. Generally, people aren't going out of their way to do mean things towards you. So if they do something that hurts you approach it calmly and peacefully - attacking the other person only makes things worse.
• Read scriptures and pray daily - All of the answers that you will need as a parent, spouse and person are in the scriptures and available as we have the Holy Ghost with us. Be sure you are always in a position to feel His promptings and obey them.
• Bear testimony often - Find ways to teach your children through everything you do. Make sure they see you supporting church leaders, paying your tithing, saying your prayers, going to church, reading the scriptures, attending the temple etc. It will be a vital part of their own testimony. Teach them the principles of the gospel as you come across any situation that presents itself.
• Humble - Realize that you don't know everything. There are so many people around us who want to help you be successful. Listen to their guidance and try to act on it.
• Remember and keep covenants - Don't settle for less than a temple marriage, it's not worth it. Children have a right to be born into a family that has been sealed together forever. The covenants that you will make in the temple will strengthen you against all the evils in the world and help you become the best you can be. I can't imagine trying to be a mother without the protection and guidance I have received through my temple covenants.  Marriage and parenthood is hard enough even with these blessings, you deserve nothing less than marriage in the temple to a young man who is worthy to take you there.
• Forgiving - Be willing to apologize and forgive quickly, especially with your kids. If you realize you are in the wrong don't just try to hide it, apologize and let them know it. You will gain their respect and trust as you show them how to apologize and forgive.
• Patient - Motherhood requires immense patience. Your kids will undo all of your housekeeping the moment you do it. Everything you will want to do will take twice as long just by taking your kids along. You will even need patience just to keep from decking the lady at church who states that she "can't understand parents who can't get their kids to sleep through the night, just put them to bed and let them sleep!" when your own 14-month old *still* won't sleep through the night... or anything like unto through the night (not that this happened to me... last week... at church :P).

Paying Tithing Online

If you're like me then you have no doubt run into problems with remembering to pay your tithing when money comes in. It's not that I don't like paying tithing, or that I'm being grudging about it, I'm just not used to having to write checks. Tithing is pretty much the only check I write so I don't carry around a checkbook. Plus, since Eric and I have been married at least one of us has had a variable paycheck so each month if we *do* remember the checkbook we still have to figure out how much we owe.  If we've left paystubs at home or forgotten when we paid last sometimes the math is too complex to figure out in sacrament meeting, and then another week goes by with our tithing unpaid.  Not good.

So, I decided to do some research and find out if there's a way for me to pay my tithing online. I figure everything else gets paid online, why not tithing? It would make the difference between our tithing getting paid immediately when we receive income or when the stars aligned so that we knew how much we owed and had a pen, checkbook and tithing slip in sacrament meeting. The Church is fairly technically savvy so this didn't seem like too much of a stretch that I would be the only person looking for this.

Lo, and behold! There is a way to pay your tithing electronically! If your bank supports a bill pay option you can set up your bill pay to send tithing payments to the church. I found this article that gave really good instructions. The links in the article were outdated but I was able to find the form that he mentions here and the electronic donations page here (although the form is really all you need).  I recommend reading through his whole article for the complete instructions.  He even gives good tips to get all the paperwork electronically if you are paper averse (like Eric and I are :P). Also, if you're interested there is some interesting discussion on the subject on the LDS Tech forums (apparently elsewhere in the world tithing is *only* accepted electronically).

There are a couple important things to note about paying your tithing online

1. Your tithing will not show up on your end of the year report in your ward when you go in for tithing settlement, but you will receive a year end report from the church of what you have donated.
2. Your fast offerings will not go into your ward's fast offering account but instead into the general church fast offering fund. If you want it to go into your ward's specific fast offering account you'll need to still write a physical check.
3. Similarly you cannot contribute to the ward's mission fund or to a specific missionary's fund via online bill pay - you'll have to do that manually as well. However, you can make donations to the general missionary fund.

The one thing you won't find in the article is how to set up bill pay with your individual bank.  You'll need to log in to your bank's website and determine if they support this functionality and find documentation on how to use it.

• If you bank with USAA - we do and we LOVE them - they support free bill pay if you have a checking account. You can find their instructions on how to set up bill pay here. 
• If you bank with Deseret First Credit Union (which my family does, which is the only reason I'm including it here :P ), they also support bill pay for free *if* you use it at least once a month. I didn't realize there was that caveat when I first signed up for it, and since I didn't have any bills that I needed to pay online... I got charged $3ish each month that I had it. But if you're using it to at least pay tithing, that shouldn't be an issue. You can find instructions for Deseret First here. 
• If anyone finds instructions for setting up bill pay with other financial institutions please feel free to leave a link to them in the comments!

I hope someone else finds this information as useful as I did! Hopefully it will be even easier than it is now in the future, but the overall process wasn't too bad, and I'm so excited to not worry anymore about whether we're current in paying our tithing.

HUGE thanks to Russell Sperry for his very helpful article. All of my research started from there and I'm so grateful for him sharing his knowledge.

Also, another big thanks to Amber Fife for allowing me to use her picture at the top of this post. She posted it on Facebook and I thought it was an inspired picture. Contact her if you are interested in a larger format or prints!

Revelation

Unfortunately I wasn't able to go visit one of the sisters I visit teach this month because she got strep :(  But I promised her that I would at least email her the lesson and some thoughts if I couldn't get to visit her this month.  I figured so long as I was doing it I might as well post it as a blog post too.  So here it is...

The lesson for April is on personal revelation.  I was really excited about it because it's something that has been on my mind recently.  I've had a couple of interesting experiences in the past month that I wanted to share in conjunction with this topic.  I've found a few different ways that the Lord answers our prayers through these experiences.

Last week I had sent Sam over to my sister's house for a few hours while I worked on some urgent projects for work.  When I had completed my work I had a little bit of extra time so I decided to take advantage of it by listening to some of the talks from the most recent General Conference while I did some cleaning.  I was listening to Elder Eyring's talk I had the thought pop into my head that I needed to email my little brother's friend, Ashley, and see if she needed help with her personal progress. Ashley isn't a member of the church because her parents won't allow her to get baptized until she is 18. She's been investigating the church for about two years now and it's been really neat to see her testimony growing. I'd been noticing on facebook as she's been posting about trying to complete her personal progress. That's a pretty big project to take on and it took me all 6 years in Young Women's to complete it all, so for her to try to take it on in the past little while was pretty impressive to me.

However, I don't know Ashley that well. I've met her a couple times when I've gone home for holidays, and we're facebook friends, but that's about the extent of it. I felt kinda weird asking out of the blue if she wanted help with her personal progress. But I remembered something that Amanda England told us once about her attitude towards inspiration. She says whenever she's trying to decide if something is inspiration or just her own thought she asks herself, "is it a good thing to do?" If the answer to that question is yes then she's decided that it doesn't matter if it's inspiration or herself, and she does it. I liked that, so since I decided that offering to help a young woman with personal progress was a good thing to do, I acted on it and sent that email. I'm SO glad that I did. That night I got an email back from Ashley saying that she'd been looking for someone to help her with her personal progress and praying that someone would step forward. She doesn't come from a great family environment and needed someone who could help her with the goals that require you to talk to a woman about characteristics that are valuable in a wife and mother. What a blessing! I felt so good to be needed and that I decided to act rather than wait.

I had another experience with a completely different matter. Eric and I have been making some serious considerations as to our plans for the future. As we've been doing so it's obviously been a subject in our prayers and we definitely are seeking the will of the Lord in our actions. A couple weeks ago I was working on our laundry while Sam was at my sister's (again, hmm, there seems to be a pattern here!). While I was doing so I was thinking about these decisions and trying to study them out in my mind. The thought came to me that while the house was quiet and I had some time to myself that I needed to kneel down and pray and pour out my soul to the Lord on the things we've been considering. So, I did. Not five minutes later I received an IM from Eric about a situation that had come up (probably in the time that I was kneeling and praying) that directly related to what we had been considering. I don't know if that situation would have come up the same way, or if we would have dealt with it in the same way if I hadn't just been praying before it happened. The experience didn't directly answer our prayers but it helped us decide what path we ought to pursue and I was so grateful for that guidance.

So far I've just shared a couple of experiences but what I really want to share is what I learned from them.

1. Apparently Sam is a detriment to my ability to receive revelation. Just kidding! Although, the fact is that both of these experiences happened when I didn't have him around. I think the real message for me was that I need to seek out quiet time to ponder on things if I want to receive revelation. It's much easier to hear the still small voice if we're taking the time to be still and listen.
2. When you receive revelation - act on it! Don't worry too much about whether it's really from the Lord or from yourself. My mom was at a fireside with Elder Bednar last week and someone asked him how to know when she was receiving answers to prayers. His answer was to stop asking and start doing. He told the girl asking the question that if she was asking the Lord sincerely for guidance and trying to follow the guidance she got, the He would not let her go astray. Once we've finished praying our job is to get on our feet and start moving in a direction, and if it's the wrong direction, we'll be stopped and guided in the right direction. I know I've found this so many times in my life that I don't receive answers to my prayers as thoughts or feelings while I'm praying, but that I'm directed in my actions as I get up and go to work.
3. The Lord loves us and is mindful of the things that are important to us.  I think this is what impressed me most of all is however big or small our problems are the Lord finds ways to help us through them.  Because Ashley prayed I was able to receive revelation to help her with her personal progress.  Because I prayed, the situation with Eric became a little guide to us in our decision making process, rather than a frustration.

I loved the quotes in this month's message so I wanted to share a couple of them.

“We prepare to receive personal revelation as the prophets do, by studying the scriptures, fasting, praying, and building faith. Faith is the key. Remember Joseph’s preparation for the First Vision:
“‘If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God. …
“‘But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering.’”
Elder Robert D. Hales of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

I liked how Elder Hales points out that the way we gain personal revelation is the same process that the prophets do.  We have access to the same powers and guidance that President Monson has, if we are willing to put the work in on our end to study and ask and then listen and do.

“Prayer is your personal key to heaven. The lock is on your side of the veil.
“But that is not all. To one who thought that revelation would flow without effort, the Lord said:
“‘You have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.
“‘But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.’”2
President Boyd K. Packer, President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

I liked this quote because it points out very clearly that we need to be the ones to seek revelation.  The Lord can't help us unless we're willing to come to Him.  Even though He knows the desires of our heart He has given us free agency to choose to accept His help and guidance or decide to do it on our own.

“In its more familiar forms, revelation or inspiration comes by means of words or thoughts communicated to the mind (see Enos 1:10; D&C 8:2–3), by sudden enlightenment (see D&C 6:14–15), by positive or negative feelings about proposed courses of action, or even by inspiring performances, as in the performing arts. As President Boyd K. Packer, … President of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles, has stated, ‘Inspiration comes more as a feeling than as a sound.’”3
Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles.

I liked how Elder Oaks illustrates some of the different ways we receive revelation.  I know for me it comes in different ways at different times depending on what I have my mind opened to.  At times I have a hard time always trusting my feelings, but later I've found that in many cases those feelings were leading me in the right way all along.  I need to learn better to trust those feelings rather than putting too much stock in logical decision making processes.

“The temple is a house of learning. Much of the instruction imparted in the temple is symbolic and learned by the Spirit. This means we are taught from on high. … Our understanding of the meaning of the ordinances and covenants will increase as we return to the temple often with the attitude of learning and contemplating the eternal truths taught. … Let us enjoy the spiritual strength and the revelation we receive as we attend the temple regularly.”4
Silvia H. Allred, first counselor in the Relief Society general presidency.

Sister Allred's quote might have been my favorite.  I think this is something I overlook too often.  We are so blessed to live so close to so many temples.  But somehow it's still always hard to make the time to go.  You have to block out a chunk of time, find a babysitter, get dressed up and not let anything get in the way.  And something ALWAYS tries to get in the way :P  But I know that when you go to the temple with a prayer in your heart the Lord will help you find your answers.

Sorry this is so long, apparently I had a lot on my mind on this subject.

And it was good

In Relief Society we were talking about the Creation on Sunday.  I had a thought that I wanted to share.  At the end of each day God surveys his works and declares them good.  I think that's a good pattern for how we should live our days.  At the end of the day we should think through the things we've done and see if we can declare them "good".  We don't have to have done something spectacular like separate the land from the seas or create all the animals, just if the things that we are doing in our sphere can be considered good.  Are you doing the things that would make you the kind of person you would like to become?  Are you proud of the way you treated those you came across?  Are you taking care of the things within your stewardship?  I think it gives us the opportunity to find ways to improve ourselves each day and to realize where we are headed.

So, when you're going to bed tonight think - what have I done today?  Have I done good?

(and no Taylor, that's not a grammatical error.  I want to know if you have done good (things), not whether you were well today ;) )

BYU YA Hosting Tips!

A bunch of the YA Tech Crew in Portland, OR(?) - February 2007

So I wanted to post today on a more nostalgic topic and throw in a lot of random pictures associated with that topic. For those of you who may not know, when I was in college I spent all four years on the tech crew for the BYU Young Ambassadors. It was one of the best experiences of my life. I truly feel like I grew so much as a person and had amazing opportunities to share the gospel with others.

The BYU Young Ambassadors is a singing and dancing group that tours nationally and internationally with the goal of spreading joy and the gospel of Jesus Christ. While the show itself is not at all preachy (mostly Broadway show tunes) I have seen how it has lifted people's lives and been an influence for good around the world.

Lexie, Amy and me in Hong Kong on tour - May 2007

Right now the Young Ambassadors are having a hard time getting the funding that they need to continue their program. BYU charges a minimal fee for venues to have the YAs come and perform which doesn't really cover the costs of rehearsal facilities, costumes, props, technical equipment, music licenses, travel or directors to lead the group. They rely heavily on donations from outside sources. So I would like to put out a plea on behalf of the Young Ambassadors for donations. Any amount that you can give will be appreciated. Plus, until March 15th the CEO of Omniture, Josh James (a former YA himself) is matching all donations 3-to-1! So even if you can only donate $10 it's like giving $40 to the Young Ambassadors!

So, if you've ever seen a YA show, or had a friend in the YAs, or (especially) if you were ever a YA yourself please consider going to http://give.byu.edu/ya and help perpetuate the wonderful legacy that is the Young Ambassadors.  I've already donated some of my own money and I think it's a great cause for others to get behind as well.

YA Tech Crew 2005-2006 in Nauvoo, IL - May 2006

Now, since I didn't want this post to simply be begging for donations I thought I would finally write a post about some of my experiences in YAs that I've been meaning to write about for awhile. Particularly - host homes. Whenever the YAs are on the road they are hosted by families in the area that they are performing. After staying in dozens of host homes in my four years of YAs I had lots of wonderful experiences. I thought it might be good to post some tips for anyone who is hosting YAs (or any other BYU group for that matter).

* Note: These are only suggestions. Please don't feel like you can't host BYU students if you can't do any of these. We were always just grateful to have somewhere to rest our tired bodies at the end of the day and it is SUCH a blessing to have anywhere to go. *

Me in front of the restaurant where I almost ate a cricket to be polite - Hong Kong 2005

• Please actually have somewhere for us to sleep. We're not real picky, air mattresses are great, or even sleeping bags on the floor. But please don't just point to a rug and plan on us sleeping on the floor all night with no blanket or pillow. (Yes, this sounds strange but it happened to me)
• Try to repeat your name for your guests. In my four years of Young Ambassadors I stayed in well over 50 host homes (it might even be closer to 100 but I've totally lost track). For someone like me who has a really hard time remembering names it was really tough to keep track of the name of my hosts. Which always made me feel horrible because I was so grateful for their hospitality! So call your spouse and kids by their names when you're talking to them to give your guests a chance to hear the names again. Also, major bonus points if you have your family name on display somewhere in your house. I was always grateful for that in the mornings when I was trying to write a thank you note and trying to figure out the right spelling for our host family's name (is it Anderson or Andersen? Are there two t's in Bennet(t) or just one? Maiersperger?!? Uhm, maybe we'll just not put a name at the beginning and just dive into the note...)
• If you can - offer to let us do our laundry. When you're on an extended tour and working hard all day long in a dirty theater or out dancing your heart out on hot stages your clothes get pretty stinky. Combine that with the fact that we have limited clothing options each day and will likely have to re-wear those clothes in a day or so and pretty quickly we're sharing more than just joy with those we meet. If you have a washer and dryer and don't mind us throwing in a small load of laundry you could be one of the favorite stops on the tour. There were few things better than having clean clothes on tour.
• We talk about ourselves a lot, tell us about yourself! I loved visiting with host families. I learned so much about different people and lifestyles that just fascinated me. Don't think your family or location is that interesting? One of the most interesting places I visited was Albuquerque, New Mexico - no joke. Don't underestimate what your family has to offer.
• Les us join you for family scriptures and prayers. This may sound silly, but this was one of my favorite things. While I was up at school I couldn't read scriptures at night with my family because they were in California. I LOVED reading scriptures with other families and getting to participate with them in their little family rituals. It really made me feel at home.
• Show us how your shower works. I don't care how self-explanatory you think your shower is - it's not. I spent more time in host homes trying to figure out which way the shower turned on, or how to make the water hot than I care to think about. So as silly as this may sound, take a minute to show your guests which way to turn the knobs to get the hot water to go on, or warn them that the water takes a minute to warm up, or that it runs out suddenly.  They'll be very grateful for your quick tutorial :)
• Let us know what time we need to leave in the morning. Our groups run on really tight schedules and we don't really know how far you live from the stake center or what traffic is like in your town. Let us know when we should be downstairs for breakfast and what time we need to be out the door to get there on time. Don't be afraid to give us a solid time even if you have a pretty flexible morning routine. If breakfast is the last thing before we leave add about 5 minutes to however long you think breakfast will take so there's enough time to load up the car.
• If you would like to have tech crew or band - ask! As a technician it was hard sometimes to get to a host home that was disappointed not to have performers. I totally understand wanting to have the fun people that you watched on stage in your home. Plus technicians generally are the last ones to get to come home, and have to leave earlier in the morning. I know we're not exactly a convenient lot to host. But, we do some interesting things and generally have interesting stories to share about what goes on behind the scenes. So, if you are some of the awesome people who would like to host technicians, let the person coordinating host homes know!  You'll learn some fun things about what goes on behind the scenes and your guests will be really grateful to know that you're not disappointed to not have their performing counterparts.
• Food advice. We work hard all day so we often come home hungry. But we're also generally fed REALLY well while we're on tour, so we might be stuffed. Don't be offended if we aren't hungry enough to eat the snack you might have prepared when we get back from the show, but know that we will probably be very grateful if it's there. In the morning, don't feel like you have to have an elaborate breakfast planned out, we're happy with cereal or toast (although a little bit of protein can be helpful to keep us going all day). If you're packing us lunches they don't have to be fancy either, just do whatever's easy! Also, if you are planning that we'll put together our own lunches with whatever you've laid out just plan that time into whenever you want us to be down for breakfast so that we don't end up being late.
• Ask your guests to offer one of the prayers. I was always so touched when our hosts would pray for us in their nightly or morning prayers. I know it may sound trite but I really could feel their prayers helping us get through those long tours. However, I also appreciated a chance to offer a prayer and ask for blessings for the people who had opened their homes to us. There's not always much that we could give in return for the hospitality granted to us, but I liked to be able to do what we could.

Most importantly, just know how grateful we are for your hospitality. We wouldn't be able to have the opportunities we do without your kindness so THANK YOU!

* Any other past/present YAs have other hints that you'd like me to add to this list? Post them in the comments below! *

Alexis

Some people come into your life for a little while and leave having changed it forever. Some people come and go without leaving much of a mark. Some people come and go, and reappear in the most unlikely places. You never know what kind of effect a person will have on your life.

Such is the case with Amy. My freshman year I lived in a ward of Amys. Literally I think we had 8 or more Amys in the ward. One of these Amys lived right next door to me. While we were always friendly with one another, I'd never say that we were fast friends. The year went by without us really getting to know each other too well.

A year or so later the Facebook craze hits BYU and we become Facebook friends and while it was nice to be able to stay in contact that way, our friendship remains at about that level.

Another couple years pass and I meet this guy, Eric Hansen. Well the story there is no secret, we met, started dating, fell in love, got engaged (about that quickly too). So, being the technological nerds that we are, one of the first places that news is announced - Facebook. One of the first people to comment on our engagement, was Amy. Why? Not only was she my neighbor for our entire freshman year, but she also happens to be Eric's cousin. Who knew?

So, another couple years pass and Eric and I are sitting at a Hansen family reunion next to Amy and her husband Zach. Just as we're sharing the news with them that I am pregnant, they tell us that she's also pregnant! Furthermore, in an exciting coincidence Amy is due near her birthday and I am due near Eric's. We are more excited still when a few weeks later we find out that she is having a girl and I'm having a boy. It feels like it's meant to be the second generation of Amy and Eric as cousins.

So the weeks go by and we share pregnancy tips with each other over Facebook and through emails. Slowly we get close to our due dates. I go to Amy's baby shower and we are so excited about the possibility of our kids being close friends. We commiserate about the third trimester woes and soak up all the advice that veteran moms are giving. It's so close and our excitement is definitely high. We're both to the point where we know that if our babies were born that, while a little premature, they would survive. The reality of becoming a mom is really starting to come home for me.

Then, not one week later, I get a phone call from Eric while I'm at work. I'd been watching for him online for hours wanting to share some link with him, so I'm really excited to finally be getting in contact with him. At the same time I'm a little confused because Eric almost never calls me at work. So I answer excitedly, not realizing what his phone call would mean. He tells me that Zach and Amy's baby had been born that morning, which totally excites me for a moment. Until he gets to the part that warranted a personal phone call in the middle of the workday - their baby was born still. Honestly, the news doesn't hit me right then. I know I should feel really sad about it, but it just hasn't hit me yet. I acknowledge what he said and ask if there was anything we can do for them. He says that the only thing for us to do is pray for them and we spend a brief moment thinking about their grief. I guess it was too much for me to truly process in that short period of time because the next thing I tell him is to get online so I can send him this link that I've been waiting to show him. I still regret that flippant move. I don't know what else to do though and I don't want to focus on the somber topic at hand just yet.

For some reason grief takes a long time to hit me. When my family moved from Fairport, New York to Thousand Oaks, California I didn't shed a single tear over that. Madness! I *loved* New York. It was my home. I had lived there my entire life and the last thing I wanted to do was to leave. Especially for California! I'd never pictured myself as a California girl and I never wanted to. But not a single tear. Until about 6 months after we'd already been in California. I was sitting down organizing our piano music one night and I just broke down. Why it hit me then I'll never know. Why not when I was telling my dearest friends goodbye? Why not as we were driving across the country? Why not after my first day at a new school? Nope, one random night while sorting piano music.

Well, my grief for Zach and Amy didn't take that long to hit me, but it did at least wait until the end of my work day. I kept myself busy until the moment I left. As I started to drive home I turn on one of my podcasts. But I can't focus on it. Finally I turn it off and let all of my thoughts hit me. It all hit in a big wave. By the time I got to the end of Salt Lake and heading up to the point of the mountain, I am sobbing. I just can't believe that this is happening. Yeah, I knew that sometimes babies were born still but the chances of that actually happening, and to someone that I really knew seemed so remote I just hadn't thought of it. Well, I mean I had, but I hadn't fully considered that it could happen to Amy. I'd just been at her baby shower a few days ago! She is supposed to be having her little girl that's going to be friends with my little boy.

My heart aches for Amy. I can't truly imagine the grief that she was going through at that time or that she's gone through since but it wasn't too hard to put myself in her shoes. I am only three weeks behind her. The awful thought strikes me that the same thing could just as easily happen to me in the weeks to come.

My tears were almost getting to a point where they would affect my driving so I need to find a way to calm myself down. I really want to talk to my mom and just cry to her over the phone for a little while, but I can't get in touch with her. Luckily, about the time I reach American Fork I get on the phone with my brother Cody. Since I don't feel like crying to him I am able to pull myself together and joke with him and talk with him the rest of the way home. While that may seem callous, it was probably for the best since it helped me get into a driving frame of mind and get home without crashing.

Over the next few days as Zach and Amy post pictures of their beautiful Alexis it hits me over and over again, the reality that their precious, perfect, beautiful baby girl was dead. That's not what was supposed to happen! They were supposed to be able to bring her home and post pictures of all the cute things she did, and we were going to go visit them and have fun together with our babies! But that wasn't meant to be. After awhile I have to cut myself off from looking at all the pictures and reading all the blog posts because it just hits too close to home. I start to get slightly hysterical at the thought that the same thing could happen to me and my Samuel. I know that thinking that way wasn't healthy or helpful to anyone so for a little while I cut myself off.

I missed the memorial service they had for Alexis. I really wanted to be there but the day of the service I'd been up late working on a project that I was still working on and really needed to get completed. Plus it was a ways away and Eric wasn't going to be able to come with me because he had class. I think though what really kept me was that I was worried about being a distraction. I was worried that at 35 weeks pregnant I was going to remind Zach and Amy that I was soon going to have - and likely get to keep - what they were there to bury. I felt guilty that it was them burying their baby and not me. Guilty for praying that I wouldn't have to go through what they were going through. I knew I couldn't change it, and I definitely don't think they or anyone else would have wanted me to be praying otherwise... I just didn't feel entirely like I ought to be there. So while I had other real and valid excuses that kept me away that day, I think deep down I just felt like I oughtn't be there.

The next several weeks went by in a flurry of activity and excitement as we got ready for Samuel to come. But in the middle of it all, Zach, Amy and Alexis were always on my mind. We prayed for them every single night. I talked about their tragedy with anyone who would listen. I was so impressed by their openness in sharing their experience and how they used it as a way to share their testimony of eternal families.

Then Samuel was born and my life has been totally centered on him ever since. But I still think of Alexis all the time. As I watch my Samuel growing up, I think of the 2nd cousin that was supposed to be here with him. Whenever I get discouraged because motherhood is hard, I try to remember that Amy would give anything to be sitting in my shoes having those trials rather than the ones she has to bear. Recently as I've been thinking it's time for Sam to learn to sleep in his own bed rather than in ours, I also want to cuddle him a little longer for Amy and Alexis' sake. Alexis has become a very real part of every parenting decision that I make, and I think I'm a better mother because of her.

A year has come and gone since the day I got that phone call. Alexis may not have had her chance at this life, but her spirit lives on. Because of her my testimony has been strengthened in the reality of eternal families. I have seen the power of prayers given in someone's behalf. I understand better the miracle that these precious babies are.

So, happy birthday Alexis. Your time here was short, but the world is a better place because you were in it. Thank you.